I have always believed grief to be the most cumbersome of human emotion. Whether a beloved family member, friend, or patient we have bonded with, grief over loss is probably the most painful thing that any of us will ever experience. But, is grief bestowed upon us as punishment for loving so deeply? I don’t believe so.
Grief is actually a measure of the capacity of our hearts to care for another human being. Without it, we would never know the depth of our love. But, because loss is such a tremendous shock, being grateful to have loved is not always in our presence of thought, especially in the early stages of grief. And, the old adage that “time cures all”, is the last thing that most of us want to hear. Because every human being on the planet will lose someone at some point in their lives, learning how to effectively cope with loss is the best way to meet with grief head-on.
When someone leaves us through death or other means, we experience a myriad of feelings which we may not quite understand. In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross claimed that when people suffer loss, they go through five stages of grief - denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and finally acceptance. Kubler-Ross emphasized that not everyone experiences the stages in this particular order, and not all stages are experienced by every person. The key to coping with grief is to finally reach the acceptance phase, but one MUST go through the other stages first. Kubler-Ross’s five-stage sequence has not been void of criticism, but it has been helpful to thousands of readers.
One of the questions you may find yourself asking after you lose someone is “why them and not me”? It is important to remember that each of us has a unique purpose, and the fact that you are still on this earth, means that your purpose has not yet been fulfilled. Open your heart and listen - your inner voice will lead you to a deeper understanding and eventually the answer to this question.
Everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time. It is very common for people to feel “stuck” in their grief, while everyone else returns to a normal life. Watching others move on can leave you feeling isolated, empty and very lonely. This is not a time to be alone. Doing so will only reinforce your feelings of loss. If after some time, your grief is such that you are unable to move forward, it may be time to seek help through grief counseling or a grief support group. Grief Share is an example of one such online group which focuses on taking you from mourning to joy with daily emails and online support. Here you will also be able to locate a support group in your area, or learn how to start your own grief support group.
It is normal to be depressed for some time after the loss of a loved one. But, depression that lasts longer than a a few weeks may require medication to help get you through. Don’t allow depression to take over your life. It will only prolong the grieving process. And, keep in mind there are also non-pharmaceutical ways to deal with depression.
Exercise can help boost your endorphin levels so that you don’t feel so sad and is something that you can do in spite of your grief. Exercise also has many other benefits, including helping you sleep better and improving your mood. Be sure to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, five days a week, to get the most out of your exercise program.
When you bottle up emotions, they may eventually erupt, and sometimes in the most inconvenient of places. A daily journal is a wonderful way to pay tribute to your loved one, while allowing you to express your feelings in a safe and healthy manner. Remember, when you journal, don’t think about what you are to write. Just start writing. Initially, your message may be one of anger and frustration, and that’s okay. You need to get your feelings out and on paper, so that they are less likely to destroy you.
Grief is a healing process and means that you have experienced a deep, emotional wound. Deep wounds take time to heal, but the scars that they leave will always be with you. Take time to grieve and time will eventually make your grief easier to bear.
Tags: caregiving, mental health, seniors
